Forget Global Warming – We’re Entering an Ice Age

It’s been a pretty mild summer here in Mississippi.  Normally, we sweat like pigs most months of the year.   The other months, we just look like pigs, having claimed the fattest state in the Union for a third consecutive year.  At least Washington, D.C. is losing weight.  Maybe it’s all the political types who, in response to our great nation’s gigantic budget deficit, are cutting back on pork and eating less steak, lobster and sushi in those conferences.

Oh but August.  It is definitely the worst.  It gets so hot and humid – you know when you walk outside and suddenly everything just sticks to you.  Last year we had a really bad drought.  They had to cut off the water, which really wasn’t that awful since we only bathe twice a week here in the South.   In fact, we tend to water our lawns more than our bodies here but that’s a different story for another day. 

But I swear the sun seemed a whole lot closer last year- which had me dreading this summer.  In fact, I invested in a new car with cold AC a few months ago just for August.  I had to trade in the trailer and I know Dave Ramsey wouldn’t agree but, hey, that’s why he’s rich and I’m poor.  And anyway, the status symbol down here is a car, any car, not the paid off home mortgage.  Who has a home down here anyway?

Well it’s been mild this summer.  In fact, last week we had temperatures in the ’70’s (almost completely unheard of in Robert E. Lee territory) which had me shouting, “It’s the Global Warming!”  Then I came across this.  Maybe Global Warming really isn’t true after all.  Forget Kyoto.  Can it be that we’re really fixing to enter an Ice Age? Am I now gonna be hunting white-tail polar bears with a spotlight instead of white-tail deer?  You betcha.  Hey, whatever walks by – armadillo, white-tail, bobcat, polar bear – it’s all meat.

Well if we’re really entering an ice age, I’ve got to get rid of all that stuff I got in preparation for the predicted Global Warming scenarios.  You know, the boat, because all the ice sheets are gonna melt, the water’s going to rise and we’re all going to float away.  Oh and the extra sunscreen seeing as how if it’s hotter I’ll burn more.  I’ve got buckets of grain, short wave radios and energy bars I’ve piled up in the garage.  Now, I gotta go buy a snowsuit, chop some firewood and get some extra blankets.  Do you think I can exchange those in Wal-Mart?  Maybe I can just take off those little barcode stickers.  It’s worked before.

This is really bothering me.  You see, there’s also the guns.  I’ve got a small armory hidden away – after I heard all the Yankees and those folks in Florida that couldn’t figure how to punch a ballot were going to move to higher ground, I just knew they were talking Dixie.  Not that Mississippi is Mount Everest but I felt pretty good it is high enough above sea level that I wouldn’t have had to do more than wade out to the mailbox.   Which meant here come the snowbirds.  I often found myself in the middle of the Sunday preaching service thinking how they may take my land but there’s no way they’ll find the $10,000 that I put in the coffee can and buried six feet under.  But now what do I do with all them guns and bullets?  I can’t just have a garage sale.

I think it’s the government really, maybe George Bush.  He’s probably trying to stimulate the economy and paid some Mexican a little cash to come up with a study to say that we’re entering an Ice Age.  You know, organized confusion, disinformation, fear tactics and all.  I really don’t know who to trust now.  I’d say head for the hills but we’re already pretty isolated down here so I think I’m fine right where I am. 

I think we’re set up pretty good actually, though we are rednecks.  We still rely on the old horse and cart from time to time and we still share the community outhouse.  I guess we’ll have to hold it longer now that we’re fixing to enter an Ice Age.  Have you ever tried frozen toilet paper?  We keep a roll in the freezer when the hemorrhoids act up – it feels good but it sure is cold.  I can’t imagine what it’ll feel like in an Ice Age.

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5 responses to “Forget Global Warming – We’re Entering an Ice Age

  1. Pingback: Free Environment Blogs » - “global warming”

  2. Just north of you in good ol’ Tennessee. I was just commenting on my own forum yesterday about how cool it has been here. Spring actually lasted more than two weeks, and August — typically the worst month of the year when it comes to heat & humidity — has actually been quite nice. I honestly can’t recall an August like this. I’m usually sweating it out in the high 90s & low 100s.

    As for the frozen toilet paper…..I triple-dog dare you. And get rid of those bullets. You’ll shoot your eye out.

  3. I enjoyed your article, it was humorous, intellectually based, well written, how punctual…, just had a day off, and landed on a reading – your site…, “sad to say you were not in a region where the war of battle of all taken on occurrence,” you would have been one busy doctor – it would have been a patient overload.

    Just finished my diplomatic prescriptions for Global Warming Strategies on combating the pollutions and all exhaustions of which cause these ‘affects on our atmosphere’, as also completed ‘plucking the bald eagle’, surely, maybe I was wrong and it is a full blown cold ice age ready to breeze in, and freeze all into an igloo…, maybe I won’t need a full power turbo booster air conditioner in 2050…, “I may now revise the Global Warming Affects for the General Planet, and place an ICE AGE WARNING INTO THE UN INTERNATIONAL COMMITTEE FOR G9 SUMMIT MEETING…”, that you are a doctor, and as I am a diplomatic – surely can be incorrect with the predictions of our planets peril to an oven as placed to the G7 and G8 Summit with a shot gun appeal, we might be living in a freezer instead…, but than again these affects usually happen at Global Warming Stages, for regions changing by weather conditions, HOT IN SIBERIA, and COLD IN DESSERTS OF SAUDI ARABIA. We are in the major stages of Global Warming; we might need to instead pack in, and start saving our dockets for “heaters.”

    If you have any ideas for the major factor for civilization for its freezer and heater burns, please feel free to place your commentary on my site http://likadiplomat2007.wordpress.com, I can assure you one of the State Dignitaries will oversee to the rhetoric intellectual – ok DOC? [if you want to place in the comment, you can also remove the site address, it is only left for your personal seeking into reading, as an invitation to real politics, and news prior to the News Journalists and their TV schedules, take note of annotations ‘am a Master in Forensic Psychology/Human Behavioralism,’ I do not know what type of doctor you are, but I chase after Hannibal Lecter’s .] Nice to meet you! Good day, and stay warm, or cold…, I do not know which weather conditions you enjoy the most…, working on the U.S. Missile Radar in Poland, if you have something to say to the DC, you are more than welcome to place your commentary of hear hear or nay nay opposition for your articles of your TAX payer back pocket theft by Uncle Sam’s employee’s, do comment on my site under one of the articles…, same person who is disrupting your U.S. government communication lines, it shall be not for to long, but a while…, safe day to you DOC…,

    Enjoy your day…, I tell President Bush and all of DC off …, all day on the airways, no fear act on my site…,

  4. [if this comment went through] I enjoyed your article, it was humorous, intellectually based, well written, how punctual…, just had a day off, and landed on a reading – your site…, “sad to say you were not in a region where the war of battle of all taken on occurrence,” you would have been one busy doctor – it would have been a patient overload.

    Just finished my diplomatic prescriptions for Global Warming Strategies on combating the pollutions and all exhaustions of which cause these ‘affects on our atmosphere’, as also completed ‘plucking the bald eagle’, surely, maybe I was wrong and it is a full blown cold ice age ready to breeze in, and freeze all into an igloo…, maybe I won’t need a full power turbo booster air conditioner in 2050…, “I may now revise the Global Warming Affects for the General Planet, and place an ICE AGE WARNING INTO THE UN INTERNATIONAL COMMITTEE FOR G9 SUMMIT MEETING…”, that you are a doctor, and as I am a diplomatic – surely can be incorrect with the predictions of our planets peril to an oven as placed to the G7 and G8 Summit with a shot gun appeal, we might be living in a freezer instead…, but than again these affects usually happen at Global Warming Stages, for regions changing by weather conditions, HOT IN SIBERIA, and COLD IN DESSERTS OF SAUDI ARABIA. We are in the major stages of Global Warming; we might need to instead pack in, and start saving our dockets for “heaters.”

    If you have any ideas for the major factor for civilization for its freezer and heater burns, please feel free to place your commentary on my site http://likadiplomat2007.wordpress.com, I can assure you one of the State Dignitaries will oversee to the rhetoric intellectual – ok DOC? [if you want to place in the comment, you can also remove the site address, it is only left for your personal seeking into reading, as an invitation to real politics, and news prior to the News Journalists and their TV schedules, take note of annotations ‘am a Master in Forensic Psychology/Human Behavioralism,’ I do not know what type of doctor you are, but I chase after Hannibal Lecter’s .] Nice to meet you! Good day, and stay warm, or cold…, I do not know which weather conditions you enjoy the most…, working on the U.S. Missile Radar in Poland, if you have something to say to the DC, you are more than welcome to place your commentary of hear hear or nay nay opposition for your articles of your TAX payer back pocket theft by Uncle Sam’s employee’s, do comment on my site under one of the articles…, same person who is disrupting your U.S. government communication lines, it shall be not for to long, but a while…, safe day to you DOC…,

    Enjoy your day…, I tell President Bush and all of DC off …, all day on the airways, no fear act on my site…,

  5. I especially enjoyed the part about Bush paying off Mexicans. He may just be that intelligent.

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