It’s been a pretty mild summer here in Mississippi. Normally, we sweat like pigs most months of the year. The other months, we just look like pigs, having claimed the fattest state in the Union for a third consecutive year. At least Washington, D.C. is losing weight. Maybe it’s all the political types who, in response to our great nation’s gigantic budget deficit, are cutting back on pork and eating less steak, lobster and sushi in those conferences.
Oh but August. It is definitely the worst. It gets so hot and humid – you know when you walk outside and suddenly everything just sticks to you. Last year we had a really bad drought. They had to cut off the water, which really wasn’t that awful since we only bathe twice a week here in the South. In fact, we tend to water our lawns more than our bodies here but that’s a different story for another day.
But I swear the sun seemed a whole lot closer last year- which had me dreading this summer. In fact, I invested in a new car with cold AC a few months ago just for August. I had to trade in the trailer and I know Dave Ramsey wouldn’t agree but, hey, that’s why he’s rich and I’m poor. And anyway, the status symbol down here is a car, any car, not the paid off home mortgage. Who has a home down here anyway?
Well it’s been mild this summer. In fact, last week we had temperatures in the ’70’s (almost completely unheard of in Robert E. Lee territory) which had me shouting, “It’s the Global Warming!” Then I came across this. Maybe Global Warming really isn’t true after all. Forget Kyoto. Can it be that we’re really fixing to enter an Ice Age? Am I now gonna be hunting white-tail polar bears with a spotlight instead of white-tail deer? You betcha. Hey, whatever walks by – armadillo, white-tail, bobcat, polar bear – it’s all meat.
Well if we’re really entering an ice age, I’ve got to get rid of all that stuff I got in preparation for the predicted Global Warming scenarios. You know, the boat, because all the ice sheets are gonna melt, the water’s going to rise and we’re all going to float away. Oh and the extra sunscreen seeing as how if it’s hotter I’ll burn more. I’ve got buckets of grain, short wave radios and energy bars I’ve piled up in the garage. Now, I gotta go buy a snowsuit, chop some firewood and get some extra blankets. Do you think I can exchange those in Wal-Mart? Maybe I can just take off those little barcode stickers. It’s worked before.
This is really bothering me. You see, there’s also the guns. I’ve got a small armory hidden away – after I heard all the Yankees and those folks in Florida that couldn’t figure how to punch a ballot were going to move to higher ground, I just knew they were talking Dixie. Not that Mississippi is Mount Everest but I felt pretty good it is high enough above sea level that I wouldn’t have had to do more than wade out to the mailbox. Which meant here come the snowbirds. I often found myself in the middle of the Sunday preaching service thinking how they may take my land but there’s no way they’ll find the $10,000 that I put in the coffee can and buried six feet under. But now what do I do with all them guns and bullets? I can’t just have a garage sale.
I think it’s the government really, maybe George Bush. He’s probably trying to stimulate the economy and paid some Mexican a little cash to come up with a study to say that we’re entering an Ice Age. You know, organized confusion, disinformation, fear tactics and all. I really don’t know who to trust now. I’d say head for the hills but we’re already pretty isolated down here so I think I’m fine right where I am.
I think we’re set up pretty good actually, though we are rednecks. We still rely on the old horse and cart from time to time and we still share the community outhouse. I guess we’ll have to hold it longer now that we’re fixing to enter an Ice Age. Have you ever tried frozen toilet paper? We keep a roll in the freezer when the hemorrhoids act up – it feels good but it sure is cold. I can’t imagine what it’ll feel like in an Ice Age.