Mississippi Redneck Chili

After seeing some of the food recipes on other blogs, I thought I’d share my own recipe for a great chili common here in my part of backwoods Mississippi. I’m a little overwhelmed with the complexity of some of the recipes I’ve seen on the web but this recipe is downright easy for most folk.  Y’all ain’t gonna  need no high-fallutin’ education to follow this easy recipe.

1 Big Can of Hormel Chili (I prefer no beans version)
1/2 Bag of Frito’s Corn Chips
1/2 Block of Extra Sharp Cheese (May substitute MSU Edam cheese)
1 Large Onion chopped up (peel first and discard skins)

Heat chili in the microwave (don’t use a metal stove pot – been there done that – wife got to hollerin’) until hot, popping and splattering. Pour into a big pot with handle (make sure handle is not loose). Throw as many frito’s in there as you’d like. Grate a good portion of the cheese and put on top. Add chopped onions to taste. Mix it up. Get a tablespoon, sit in the recliner, kick back, turn the window unit on, adjust the rabbit ears and enjoy a college football game.

(Health and Legal Disclaimer: You may require one drop of bean-o periodically for two days afterward. No guarantees are made as to what health outcome you might experience. I cannot be held responsible for the consequences of eating like a Mississippian but this might give you an idea of what could happen.  Valid in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and Guam.)

Forget Global Warming – We’re Entering an Ice Age

It’s been a pretty mild summer here in Mississippi.  Normally, we sweat like pigs most months of the year.   The other months, we just look like pigs, having claimed the fattest state in the Union for a third consecutive year.  At least Washington, D.C. is losing weight.  Maybe it’s all the political types who, in response to our great nation’s gigantic budget deficit, are cutting back on pork and eating less steak, lobster and sushi in those conferences.

Oh but August.  It is definitely the worst.  It gets so hot and humid – you know when you walk outside and suddenly everything just sticks to you.  Last year we had a really bad drought.  They had to cut off the water, which really wasn’t that awful since we only bathe twice a week here in the South.   In fact, we tend to water our lawns more than our bodies here but that’s a different story for another day. 

But I swear the sun seemed a whole lot closer last year- which had me dreading this summer.  In fact, I invested in a new car with cold AC a few months ago just for August.  I had to trade in the trailer and I know Dave Ramsey wouldn’t agree but, hey, that’s why he’s rich and I’m poor.  And anyway, the status symbol down here is a car, any car, not the paid off home mortgage.  Who has a home down here anyway?

Well it’s been mild this summer.  In fact, last week we had temperatures in the ’70’s (almost completely unheard of in Robert E. Lee territory) which had me shouting, “It’s the Global Warming!”  Then I came across this.  Maybe Global Warming really isn’t true after all.  Forget Kyoto.  Can it be that we’re really fixing to enter an Ice Age? Am I now gonna be hunting white-tail polar bears with a spotlight instead of white-tail deer?  You betcha.  Hey, whatever walks by – armadillo, white-tail, bobcat, polar bear – it’s all meat.

Well if we’re really entering an ice age, I’ve got to get rid of all that stuff I got in preparation for the predicted Global Warming scenarios.  You know, the boat, because all the ice sheets are gonna melt, the water’s going to rise and we’re all going to float away.  Oh and the extra sunscreen seeing as how if it’s hotter I’ll burn more.  I’ve got buckets of grain, short wave radios and energy bars I’ve piled up in the garage.  Now, I gotta go buy a snowsuit, chop some firewood and get some extra blankets.  Do you think I can exchange those in Wal-Mart?  Maybe I can just take off those little barcode stickers.  It’s worked before.

This is really bothering me.  You see, there’s also the guns.  I’ve got a small armory hidden away – after I heard all the Yankees and those folks in Florida that couldn’t figure how to punch a ballot were going to move to higher ground, I just knew they were talking Dixie.  Not that Mississippi is Mount Everest but I felt pretty good it is high enough above sea level that I wouldn’t have had to do more than wade out to the mailbox.   Which meant here come the snowbirds.  I often found myself in the middle of the Sunday preaching service thinking how they may take my land but there’s no way they’ll find the $10,000 that I put in the coffee can and buried six feet under.  But now what do I do with all them guns and bullets?  I can’t just have a garage sale.

I think it’s the government really, maybe George Bush.  He’s probably trying to stimulate the economy and paid some Mexican a little cash to come up with a study to say that we’re entering an Ice Age.  You know, organized confusion, disinformation, fear tactics and all.  I really don’t know who to trust now.  I’d say head for the hills but we’re already pretty isolated down here so I think I’m fine right where I am. 

I think we’re set up pretty good actually, though we are rednecks.  We still rely on the old horse and cart from time to time and we still share the community outhouse.  I guess we’ll have to hold it longer now that we’re fixing to enter an Ice Age.  Have you ever tried frozen toilet paper?  We keep a roll in the freezer when the hemorrhoids act up – it feels good but it sure is cold.  I can’t imagine what it’ll feel like in an Ice Age.

“Dead” Man Awakens

So you want to complain about our health care system in America, huh? Here’s a link to a man in India who was “killed” in a stampede. While his corpse was awaiting its autopsy, the man woke up and asked for water. The line that catches my attention from the article is, “little was done to see if victims of the stampede were still alive.” I think, for the most part, in the U.S., when you’re declared dead, you’re pretty much dead. However, being thrown on the back of a truck with a bunch of others is an act I’d presume wasn’t done by medical officials. I really wonder what the doctors and nurses thought when the dead man started talking. Did they jump, pee in their pants or what? I also wonder how many of the other corpses were alive. Hmm…

(Actually, I think we do have much to complain about our medical system here but that is a different post for a different day)

This Week’s Shame Award Goes To:

Most of the Airlines.

Are you getting irritated yet with airlines nickeling and diming you?  I am.  Almost everyday, it seems like airlines are charging for anything they can get their grimy hands on.  From water, to pillows to surcharges, they’re picking your pocket daily.  JetBlue is guilty of charging you to rest your head.  U.S. Airways is guilty of making you pay for your thirst.  American is guilty for charging extra for luggage.  What?  Is everyone just supposed to wear the same clothes for the whole trip?  Forget the freebies.  The free deck of cards flew out the window years ago.  But, wait, they are not the only ones.  Check out 10 obnoxious hidden airline fees.  Where’s the service like here on Emirates?  Shame on the airlines!

You’ll Never Hit the Ball if You Don’t Swing

On a lighter note today, this spring my son played t-ball for the first time. We all had a great time and we loved watching kids his age (6) play. It’s also fun to watch some of the grown-ups act like spoiled brats but that’s another story for another day.  Anyway, between chasing bugs, lying down in the outfield, running off the field to the bathroom or climbing the dugout fence, you just never knew what one of those kids would do. (The pros are kind of like that only what they do I can’t repeat here).  So, you know the game. They put a ball on a plastic tee and the kids swing at the ball and take off running (assuming they hit the ball).